Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
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I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
See..?
.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.