GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
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6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
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If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy