@WGladstone: Just realized Franz Kafka was a lawyer so he was Kafka, esq.
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@1_swarthy_dude: [interview for waiter position] Manager: "So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?" Stegosaurus: "You're kidding me right?"
@NikkiGlaser: I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
@DannyEarl: Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming