@WGladstone: Just realized Franz Kafka was a lawyer so he was Kafka, esq.
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@RocketRankoon: Facebook: "Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!" Me: *backs away slowly* [My Twitter origin story]
@_NTFG_: Sit down and let me tell you a story. Once Upon A Time......last night......I had a few drinks and......borrowed your credit card.
@rickolantern: Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.