Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this