Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
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Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”