Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Fight
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.