Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.