Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
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Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Covid like
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed