Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?