Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
You Might Also Like
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”