I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
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her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.