Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
You Might Also Like
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves