So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”