Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
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Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Sign of the day..
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.