Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
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I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.