@abhorrent_wife: Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
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@notfaizzy: If your surname is Rice and you don't name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
@trojansauce: [after moving into a haunted house] *setting up potters wheel* OH NO WHO WILL HELP ME LEARN POTTERY *sitting in silence for 40mins*
@jakob_huber: Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
@CulturedRuffian: Could you play us a song? Cat Stevens: Maybe. *Sets guitar on table* Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*