Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
You Might Also Like
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
every. time.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]