Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
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Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started