Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
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hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*