[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
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It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
The little toadstool has spoken.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.