@man_spach: Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.
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@TheDairylandDon: Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I'm Batman now.
@KevinFarzad: According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that's why it's so tragically hard to meet
@Shot_Of_Cabo: I'll never call a radio station because I'm afraid they'll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.
@dril: BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES