When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
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12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Accurate
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.