Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
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“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
asked my bf how work was today
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know