I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
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I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
That’s not how days work.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Never mess with a drunken pig.
stop
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.