Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
You Might Also Like
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.