@tigersgoroooar: Just saw a car with a license plate that says FLSH ME. Ok, douche. What are you, a dead goldfish? Flush yourself.
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@KeetPotato: [2 years after going missing at zoo] wife: [points at TV] "omg thats him" me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] "why is noone helping me"
@thetits: [just meeting a new group of people] My brain: say something cool and different Me: HOW YA'LL GOT?? Brain: nice
@Shock_Monster: If I were God, I'd totally be cool with you using my name in vain. Feel free to say, "Oh John" next time you're cumming ladies.