You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My brain is a bad influence on me
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.