Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
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Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Morning my dudes.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father