@Kyle_Lippert: Just saw a dude catcall a woman with "Nice heels, girl" and his friend slapped him and said "Those are knock offs, bro"
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@lildandeli0n: [Gets Twitter error: "Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong"] I know Twitter, I know. That's why I'm here.
@Cheeseboy22: If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
@HughGoesThere: [adoption agency] Caseworker: Think you're prepared to be a father? *I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick* CW (taking notes): Excellent.
@carlyken: Kids, in my day we didn't have text messaging. We had to write a "Do you like me? Yes or no?" note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.