Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
How I like cutting carbs
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Not all heroes wear capes.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”