Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
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*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Kermit goes Blue.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.