Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”