I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Life with a cat in one tweet
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down