@ImKevinito: Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he's homeless.
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@murrman5: [helping son prepare for first date] "what if she doesn't like it" *stuffing handkerchiefs up son's sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
@erikbransteen: Kanye West tweeted that Bieber's 'What Do You Mean?' was 2015's best song. The "...which wouldn't happened without me" tweet coming soon.
@kwirkyKerri: I don't wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day.
@AminaMarx: update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn't get scared