*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
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“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.