Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
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[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
This is my bus stop.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.