Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
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DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best