Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
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[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
the council will decide your fate
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.