Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
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If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password