Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
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Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
#Caturday
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
i meant to share this earlier
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.