Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude