I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
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If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”