Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
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Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.