I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
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What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Seas the day!!!!
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.