just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
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In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
only 11 steps left
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.