[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
You Might Also Like
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
#NeverForget
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk