Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
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burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
🖤✌🏽
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.