Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Can Happiness buy money?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!