@mrjohndarby: Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
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@NYC_Blonde: If you say "I don't feel good" and a pregnant woman says "Me neither," DO NOT respond with "Yeah, but you chose this for yourself..."
@WilliamAder: I remember my first time at a mic. "Cleanup on aisle 5" & "Price check-Advil" were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
@stevevsninjas: Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it's now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven't committed the crime yet.
@Rollmaninoz: [date] Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that's correct