Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
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I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.