I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
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Never go to sleep after making me angry
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.