Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
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My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Doggies just call it style.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea