“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat