Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
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Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma