Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?